Page 28 - Demo

28|OctOber 2020
No Hope for the Red of Neck?
Slippery rOck Gazette
Necessity is the Mother of
Invention
ASwildfires tore through parts of California in August, Chad Little of Vacaville and his family prepared to evac- uate, but Little changed his mind and decided to stay, he told KCRA. The family is in the process of rebuilding the home they lost five years ago in an attic fire, and “I can’t let it go,”
Little said.
Little had hoses ready, but when the electricity went out, the water was cut off, so he grabbed a rake to clear away dry grass. As his cars and then his shop began to catch fire, he reached for the only liquid he had -- cans of Bud Light, shaking and spray- ing them at the fire, dousing the flames just before firefighters arrived. “My buddies all tease me about drinking water-beer,” he said. “I say, ‘Hey, it saved my shop.’” Little also managed to save his home.
ITsure is tough to be a red- neck these days.
Consider: Legislators in Texas recently approved a measure that makes it a felony to tell fishing lies. And in Coral Gables, Florida, officials are issuing tickets to the owners of pickup trucks.
Well, actually, both situations are a bit more complex than that.
In Texas, they haven’t outlawed those “big one got away” stories often heard in barbershops and general stores. Or campfire rec- ollections about the time you and Uncle Herb hooked Ol’ Mossback and it towed your boat all over the lake.
What they’ve done is outlaw lying in bass tournaments where big money is on the line, along with fish.
Under the new rule, anyone caught cheating in a fishing con- test offering a payout of more than $10,000 faces a prison term of two to ten years and thousands of
Sam Venable
Department of Irony
dollars in fines. For smaller tour- naments, the violation is listed as a Class A misdemeanor.
The anti-truck ordinance in Florida dates to the early 1960s. It hasn’t been enforced in some time because a Coral Gables resident fought it through the courts—and ultimately lost.
This is a property codes regu- lation. It forbids the parking of pickups in driveways and on city streets at night. Instead, they gotta be garaged. Fines start at $100 and can run as high as $500.
The fishing law does make some sense—although high-dollar tour- naments these days are light-years removed from the cheat factories of old. Between blind drawing for partners, on-board media ob- servers, lie-detector testing, and an overall improvement in the professionalism of this sport,
the fraud factor has been greatly reduced.
As for the anti-truck law? Have mercy.
It sure seems strange to me that a $65,000 pickup truck would be considered trashy, and need to be garaged, while a dinged-up, oil-dripping Cadillac can be parked on the street and still make the social registry.
This is yet another reason to live Up Here with the real people rather than Down There among the snoots.
What do you bet they’ve also got a law that says you can’t pee, or shoot deer, off your back porch?
Both of which I’ve done, by the way. So sue me.
Sam Venable is an author, co- medic entertainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files). He may be reached at sam.venable@ outlook.com .
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