The holiday season is beginning to wind down here in Varmint County and as usual, there are many tales to tell. Things started off with a bang, as you might suspect, on the morning following Halloween.
Older folks have long bemoaned the fact that the time-honored tradition of overturning outdoor privies has vanished into the past. Widow Marple had the last functioning outdoor privy in the county until the Aslinger boys moved it to the front of the Varmint County Bank & Trust on Halloween several years back.
They scrawled "It's OK to owe O.K." on the side, a reference to bank president Otis K. (O.K.) Perkins, and no small number of locals suspect O.K. paid the boys to do it for the free advertising.
This Halloween the old timers got some satisfaction out of a modernized version of the old privy trick. Someone broke into Varmint County High School, cut off the water and removed an entire row of toilets and urinals, setting them back up on the front lawn of the county courthouse. Clyde Filstrup Junior and other county officials pushed for a full investigation and within a short time the culprits were unmasked.
Several members of the Viper football team pulled off the heist but naturally couldn't resist bragging about it to classmates. Sheriff Hiram Potts brought the young men - Pokey Aslinger, Bubba Clotfelter, Turk Hadley and Morris "Half Bright" Albright - in for questioning and they quickly confessed to the crime.
Clyde Junior and several others wanted the boys to be prosecuted for malicious vandalism, but Sheriff Potts had other ideas and intervened with the Judge. For the next six months, school janitor Scooter Snodgrass will have four assistants for three hours after school, sweeping, mopping and, you guessed it, cleaning bathrooms.
Sheriff Potts'unique approach to juvenile justice should have come as no surprise. Before Hiram came to work as Sheriff Smokey's chief deputy, he served for several years as police chief for the Town of Pleasant View. The town had a problem with speeders, due in part to the fact that Pleasant View only had one traffic light and motorists tended to pour on the gas once they got past the light. Handing out speeding tickets tended to be a waste of paper. Many cases were dismissed in city court since practically everyone in town was related to a member of the Board of Mayor & Aldermen or to the judge.
Hiram tackled the problem in unique fashion. Whenever he caught someone speeding he would pull them over and demand their car keys. "I'll be back and return your keys in half an hour. That will give you time to learn a little patience," Chief Potts would tell the driver.
In no time at all, most residents of PleasantView had learned that they would get where they were going more quickly by obeying the speed limit. This approach worked well with most citizens, with the exception of the handful who were accustomed to having their illegal driving ignored or their tickets "fixed" down at City Hall.
Unfortunately for Hiram, these were the citizens with political clout, including the Mayor's brotherin-law, Alderman Buck Clotfelter's wife, and Alderman Buck Casey's first cousin.
This was during the period when Pleasant View had four men nicknamed "Buck" serving on the Board at the same time, which led to some rather confusing monthly meetings. In addition to Aldermen Curtis "Buck" Casey and Ray "Buck" Clotfelter, there was also Virgil "Buck" Snort and Mayor Timmy "Buckshot" Braden, usually called "Buck" for short.
At one board meeting, Minnie Clotfelter attended and raised a complaint about Police Chief Potts and his approach to speeding. "I had an appointment to get my hair done at Loretta's Style Salon and that man took my car keys away for half an hour. I missed my appointment and couldn't get a perm for Cousin Coretta's wedding," Minnie told the board. "I told that man I'd rather have the ticket and he ignored me."
"Missus Clotfelter, how fast was you driving?" Mayor Buck Braden asked.
"I swear I don't know, Buck. Couldn't been more than 40 or maybe 45."
"Minnie you do know that's a 25 mile speed limit there next to the elementary school, don't you?" Buck Snort added.
"That's beside the point, Buck. Minnie had a right to take a ticket if she wanted it, rather than sit on the side of the road for half an hour," Buck Clotfelter cut in.
"It would help if some people didn't think they's above the law, Buck," Buck Snort replied.
"Buck, Buck, let's have order here and behave like gentlemen," Buck Braden insisted, rapping his gavel.
"Oh, blow it out yore butt, Buck," Buck Clotfelter said. "Buck insulted my wife.
"Huh? I did not insult your wife," Buck Casey, who had been dozing off, blurted out.
"Not you, Buck. Go back to sleep."
"Now Buck, Buck and Buck. Let's have some order here. I'm sure Chief Potts will agree that if folks prefer a ticket to sitting on the side of the road, he should write them a ticket," Mayor Buck Braden hopefully concluded.
"I will, if the City Judge will agree to levy fines on speeding tickets instead of dismissing them for certain people," Hiram spoke from the audience.
"Are you accusing the judge of playing favorites?" Buck Clotfelter challenged.
"Somebody appears to be, Buck. Any idea who that might be?"
"Your job clock is ticking, mister," Buck Clotfelter replied.
"Wait a minute, Buck, you only got one vote on this board," Buck Snort complained.
"Chief, I think you need to apologize," Buck Braden insisted.
"Wait a minute, Buck. The Chief's got a point. We need to treat everyone the same, including Buck's family," Buck Snort added.
"What's my family got to do with it," Buck Casey asked.
"Go back to sleep, Buck. I'm talking about Buck over there."
"Buck, the next person that tells me to go back to sleep is gonna get put to sleep. You know I don't hear so well."
"Buck, this is none of your concern. Just stay out of it."
"I'll show you what's my concern. I'm concerned that I might have to come over there and knuckle that bald head of yours, Buck."
"Try it, Buck."
"Oh, Gawd. Chief, will you have your officers restore order before someone gets hurt."
"Sorry, Buck.You're on your own. I just decided to take that job offer from Sheriff Smokey as his Chief Deputy," Hiram announced. "By the way, ya'll better pay attention to where the city limit sign ends, 'cause we will be enforcing the county's speed limits."
And so that, dear readers, is the tale of how Hiram Potts ended up as Sheriff Smokey T. Bandit's Chief Deputy and eventually became Sheriff himself when Smokey retired.
You might recall that the job didn't come to Hiram easily. He had to win an election over the Sheriff's second-youngest daughter, Stephanie Bandit, who he then hired as his own Chief Deputy and eventually married. Within a couple of years Stephanie was expecting their first child.
"If it's a boy, what should we call him?" Stephanie Potts asked her husband.
"I don't know, dear. Whatever you would like. Just as long as we don't call him Buck."
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