The Varmint County Chronicles
Varmint County's Cold Weather Recalls Angler's Misfortune During Blizzard of '93
"Boomer" Winfrey
Varmint County Correspondent

Old Man Winter has visited Varmint County with a vengeance this year, as it has much of the rest of the country. The cold weather usually has two results: a population boom of newborn babies sometime around next September, and a population boom in Sheriff Potts' jail in December and January.

Seems like half the male population of the county spends more time at home with their wives, and the other half that can't get along with their wives spend too much time at the local taverns.

With the average Varmint County males unable to go out in the woods and work off their aggressions by stalking and shooting innocent fourlegged critters, they tend to work off those aggressions on each other, following a few beers or one or two belts of Haig Hollow's finest.

Not all problems are the result of mixing too much alcohol and testosterone, however. Last Saturday night, Hooch McCoy, Pop Davis and Snuffy Siler were brought in after they got into a brawl in of all places, Granny's Bean Pot Cafe.

Hooch, it seems, had just been out to Mud Lake Marina to try a little trotlining, only to find that the dern lake was completely frozen over. He and Pop were warming up at Granny's over a cup of coffee and two chili buns when Snuffy came in for his usual lunch - a bowl of soup beans and a deepfried baloney sandwich (that's bologna to all you city slickers).

"Hey, Snuffy, the lake's froze over. Ain't it about time for you to go fishing?" Hooch yelled over the tables as Pop snorted and snickered.

Snuffy, who got his nickname either from the comic strip or the wad of snuff he usually packed in his cheek, spit out something unintelligible that sounded roughly like "Miss my Bass.

Hooch understood exactly what was said and the war of words soon escalated into a food fight.

Hooch tossed a chili bun and Snuffy strolled over and poured half a bowl of beans down his antagonist's shirt. He then poured the remaining soup beans in Pop's coffee. "Thazz for fathin'," Snuffy added, drooling snuff.

By the time Granny was able to separate her customers, with the help of two waitresses and an iron skillet, two deputies had strolled in and hauled the three off to jail.

Sheriff Hiram Potts arrived a short time later to go over the arrest log. "What the devil is this? Snuffy, Hooch and Pop for disorderly conduct and fighting in public at Granny's? Those three don't even drink," the Sheriff asked.

"Apparently Hooch and Pop was razzin' Snuffy about going fishing out at Mud Lake. It's froze over, you know.

"Why would that cause a near riot?" Hiram asked.

"You wasn't around here back in the blizzard of '93, was you?" chief jailer Toby Barton asked.

"Naw, I was still in the Army, then.

"Well, that was the year it got down to 17° and stayed below freezing for 24 straight days. Mud Lake froze completely over so hard that they was having four-wheeler races across it.

"Snuffy ain't happy unless he gets to go fishin' at least three or four days a week, you know. Well there weren't no fishin' on that lake for nearly a month.

"But Snuffy, he sees this program on the Outdoor Channel down at the Royal Flush Pool Hall about fellas going ice fishin' up north," assistant jailer Barney Trout added.

"So he goes out to Mud Lake Marina with his old outdoor privy in the back of his pick-up and sets it up in the middle of the lake. He uses a keyhole saw and a brick hammer to chisel out a round hole in the ice and settles in to do a little fishin', right through the round hole in the bottom of the privy," Toby explained.

"But it was mighty cold out there on the ice, even with Snuffy all wrapped up in a down comforter and pile of quilts.

"That's where Hooch and Pop come in. They decided to visit Snuffy out on the ice and see how he was doing. Hooch allowed as how it was too cold in that privy fishing shack for them and old Snuffy might freeze in there," Barney kicked in.

"Yeah, so they told Snuffy, 'We got a kerosene heater that'll warm you right up.' They assured Snuffy that it was safe," Toby added.

"Well, Snuffy cranked up that heater and settled in to fish. He was doing real good too. The fish was hungry and he was pulling in walleye and crappie left and right.

"But that there heater did too good a job," Barney added. "After a couple of hours the ice floor of that shack was slick with water as the ice began melting.

Snuffy didn't know it, but he had knocked off a big chunk of ice underneath when he chipped out the hole and it was pretty thin under the privy.

"Suddenly he heard the ice cracking all around him and his privy began sinking. Old Snuffy bare barelygot out with his skin, but that wasn't all," Toby continued the story.

"Nah. Snuffy had parked his truck on the ice next to the shack and as he ran to get it backed up and off the lake, the ice cracked right underneath and there went the truck, hood-first into the drink," Barney added.

"Snuffy made it to shore by the skin of his teeth, half-frozen, minus his fishing tackle, his catch, his truck and his outdoor privy. He struck out to hitchhike back home, when who should drive by and pick him up but Hooch and Pop, who had been playing cards with Ike Pinetar down at the Mud Lake Marina.

"Snuffy told Hooch his sad tale, with Hooch and Pop barely able to hold in their laughter 'til they got in front of Snuffy's house and let him out. Then Hooch said, 'By the way Snuffy, you owe me for a kerosene heater.' Then they drove off laughin' their butts off." Toby concluded.

"So," Hiram observed, "You might say Hooch and Pop started that little set-to down at Granny's with their comments.

"Looks that way to me," Toby replied.

"I think I'll let them all cool their heels in jail tonight. Leave Snuffy in the cell he's in, but get him an extra blanket and pillow. Oh, and rustle up a bowl of soup beans and cornbread for him from the kitchen.

"What about Pop and Hooch?"

"Move them into that rear cell - you know, the one that don't have no heat," Sheriff Potts instructed, a wicked grin spreading on his face.



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