The census statistics have finally come in for Varmint County, setting off that ageold ritual practiced every decade: the re-districting of the County's voting precincts.
This year the new census figures have set off a real rhubarb, both with the squires of the county commission and down at the Capitol, where the legislature must also re-draw political lines. The problem, in a nutshell, turns out to be Haig Hollow and to a lesser extent the lands controlled by the rival Hockmeyer clan.
You may recall that after several census workers resigned rather than work in Haig Hollow, the Census Bureau solved the problem by hiring former Lady Viper basketball star Penny Haig for the summer to visit homes and get a head count of all her kinfolk.
The results were eye-popping. While most Varmint County citizens realized that there are a lot of Haigs, not even the county power brokers around Doc Filstrup's poker table could imagine the extent of population growth among this notorious moonshining clan.
"I always knew, based on how many Haig males were in jail at any one time and assuming at least one female for each male, along with anywhere from two to a dozen kids, that the Haigs were becoming a political power in this county, if they chose to do so," Judge Hard Time Harwell observed.
"It's all them Louisiana Haigs that moved in after the hurricane," Lawyer McSwine added. "They swelled the numbers considerably."
"Nah, most of those swamp Haigs moved back to Louisiana after they got their homes rebuilt," Doc argued. "I can tell you that the birth rate in Haig Hollow is a lot higher than you might imagine. I know because I delivered half of them."
"Well, whatever, it presents the county commission with a bit of a problem. According to the census data, six of our fifteen commission seats must represent Haig Hollow and the immediate vicinity. That only leaves nine seats for the county seat here in Lower Primroy, the Town of Pleasant View and all the rest of the county," County Mayor Clyde Filstrup Junior moaned.
"Looks like some squires are gonna have to retire their seats. Either that or become honorary Haigs," Judge Hugh Ray Jass chuckled.
"Well, half the Haigs don't bother to vote anyway," Clyde Junior noted.
"No matter. You've still got to re-district to represent them and any candidates must live in the district. That means six Haigs on the county commission, unless you plan to move over to Haig Hollow, son," Doc added drily.
And so the next election promises to be an interesting one, to say the least. Under the new commission districts, Squires Fuzzy Cornwell, Little Hair Pennywell, Buck McGrue, Peanut McSwine and Curtis McClellan must all run in the same district, representing Lower Primroy. Only three of the five can be elected, leaving two out of office.
The district that includes Pleasant View and all the touristy country around Mud Lake will have four of the incumbent commissioners, including Belinda Bandit, Dope Aslinger and Alpharetta Lowe, along with newcomer Toby Perkins, youngest son of former Road Superintendent "Pothole" Perkins. At least one of the four is destined to lose out.
The third district now includes an area that once covered two voting districts, including the region from Flatiron Peak stretching down into the Hockmeyer lands. Hiram Hockmeyer is a shoo-in to get re-elected, while Arlie Baird has already announced his retirement from politics, so the three remaining incumbents from that side of the county may get to retain their seats.
The big winners in the new Varmint County political map will be the two new districts that represent the lands around Haig Hollow. Once this whole area was one district, represented by Pie Aslinger, Elijah Haig's nephew Curley Haig and Carlisle Branch. Now, the large community of Brogans on the west flank of Flatiron Peak and families living on the edges of Haig Hollow will make up one voting district, while Haig Hollow proper will have its own district, each with three members on the county commission.
"You gonna run for squire?" Doc Filstrup asked Elijah Haig when Elijah came in for his annual check-up, which the elder Haig referred to as "my yearly scold." The physical consists mainly of Doc telling Elijah all the things a man his age shouldn't be doing with Elijah telling Doc that he needs to practice what he preaches.
"I guess we're both two old dogs who refuse to learn new tricks," Doc admitted.
"Yeah. If we don't mend our ways, you and I might never live to see 100," Elijah replied.
"Speak for yourself you old coot. I intend to live to 110 and die in bed with my 23-year-old fifth wife," Doc said.
"Hmmm. Wonder what Imogene, your first wife, will have to say about that, seein' as how you been married to her for 63 years."
"I already told her that I intend to outlive her by ten years and marry and divorce a younger woman every other year until I check out," Doc chuckled.
"What'd she say to that?"
"She said `Good, then all the girls down at the beauty shop will know I've not been lying all these years about how useless you are in bed.'"
"Well, the truth hurts. But to answer your question, politics is for these younger bucks. I'd jest get all worked up at one of those meetings and go and shoot somebody, maybe even that boy of yours, Clyde Junior."
"He probably deserves it."
"Anyway, it don't matter who serves Haig Hollow on the county court.You know no Haigs are gonna marry, build a house, get a job or rob a bank without getting my permission first. It's the way our clan works."
"So now you control two-fifths of the county government. But I hear that the state legislature plans to split Haig Hollow and the county between two districts. The Tea Party crowd in charge down at the Capitol are a mite worried about our Representative, Tooney Pyles. They want to split her district and put her in with the Hockmeyers, who always vote Republican, and combine Haig Hollow with part of Burr County, represented by that old reprobate, Hiram Higginbotham."
"Tooney is an Independent. Why's the Tea Party got it in for her?"
"She's a mite too independent, if you know what I mean."
"No matter. What them folks don't know is that Caleb Hockmeyer and I both supported Tooney for State Representative. She'll git reelected with the votes from the Hockmeyers just as easy as she would if she was running amongst us Haigs."
"What about Haig Hollow?You'll end up represented by Hiram "Highwall" Higginbotham, that coal and land company flunkie from Burrville."
"He's gotta run for re-election, don't he? They's quite a few folks over in Burr County that are partial to some of our Haig Hollow products. I just might have some influence over that way."
"So are you saying that you might run for the legislature?"
"Nope. I told you politics ain't my way. But you know what my granddaughter told me last year after she finished workin' the census? Penny told me, `Grandpa, I had fun going around visiting with all the Haigs and meeting all the Brogans and Hockmeyers for the first time. I'll bet campaigning for public office would be fun.'
"She said she was inspired by Tooney Pyles and might want to run for something when she finishes college, can you imagine that?" Doc couldn't answer. He was too busy trying to envision a new "Varmint County era" in state government, and whether the Governor's Mansion had a back room with a good poker table.
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