The federal census workers have pretty much finished their work here in Varmint County, and none too soon I must say. Now that census takers have stopped knocking on people's doors, a more nefarious breed of visitors are making the rounds - Politicians seeking votes for the August County elections.
Yes, dear readers, it is that time again, when Varmint County citizens are asked to choose between a collection of ne'er-do-wells, has-beens and never-have-beens, the folks who will lead our county through the next four years, or two years if we're lucky.
Not that there aren't a few qualified individuals who have put their hat in the ring for various offices. Popular grocery store clerk Abrigail "Tooney" Pyles is running for re-election to the state legislature. Tooney managed to become the most influential freshman legislator in history during her first term of office in the State House of Representatives, getting appointed to practically every major committee.
At first, Tooney was treated like every other rookie legislator, pretty much ignored by the power brokers and placed on one of two minor committees such as "Government Operations" or the "Arts & Culture Subcommittee." Tooney proceeded to bake up pans of brownies or plates of cookies and occasionally bring in her ultra-secret recipe "Better than Sex" Cake to the committee meetings to share with fellow lawmakers. Next thing you know, the Speaker of the House was inundated with requests from chairmen insisting that Tooney must be appointed to their committees.
Tooney should have little trouble being re-elected. Her opponent is a lawyer from over in Burrville whose three ex-wives have vowed to make sure he is never elected to anything. They are co-chairing the Tooney Pyles re-election committee in Burr County and between them, are related to most of the county's residents.
Here inVarmint County, Tooney is well-liked by nearly everyone, but even if she weren't, most folks would not actively oppose her. Tooney's campaign manager is her first cousin, Camilla Clotfelter. Camilla, you might recall, is the granddaughter of the late Cordelia Clotfelter,Varmint County's most notable certified witch. Most folks suspect Camilla of having inherited the old hag's powers and are not about to incur her wrath by making "an unfortunate ballot decision."
In other races, Sheriff Hiram Potts is running for re-election to his second term in office.While other offices such as Superintendent of Schools or County Mayor might have just as much clout, the most important race in the view of many voters is for the office of High Sheriff. Of all the county officials, the Sheriff is the only one who can put you behind bars, and that means a lot to most Varmint County voters.
Generally speaking, county sheriffs need at least two terms in office before they have arrested enough voters and made enough enemies to have serious competition for re-election. Varmint County has always been a bit different - for over a hundred years the office was held by only three people - former Sheriff Juliane "Smokey T." Bandit, his father Shirley T. Bandit and his grandfather Rufus T. Bandit.
When Sheriff Smokey decided to retire, he had fathered six girls but no sons to carry on the family tradition. His daughter Stephanie ran for the office but lost to Smokey's former Chief Deputy Hiram Potts. Hiram, who had carried a crush since grammar school, promptly made Stephanie his Chief Deputy and then married her, so the Bandit tradition lives on. With the support of the Bandit family, Hiram is expected to have no problems gaining a second term in office.
For a while recently, it did look like Hiram might have some problems when he almost got on the wrong side of the numerous Haig Clan, but old Elijah Haig managed to resolve the issue before things broke out into open warfare. It happened when Hiram was forced to arrest Justine Haig, who you might recall is one of the Haig's Louisiana cousins who moved into Varmint County after Hurricane Katrina and settled down, deciding not to move back to the ancestral home in Three Hole Swamp.
Justine has lived peacefully in an isolated cabin up on the side of Flatiron Peak for the past four years, but last month he traveled back to Three Hole Swamp to visit his brother, Boudreaux Haig. When Justine returned, he was, to put it mildly, depressed.
"Cain't tell ye how bad things are down thar," Justine told his cousin Elijah. "Boudreaux, Alfonse, all my brothers have been stopped from fishin' 'n shrimpin' 'cause of that dad-gum oil. Why, Boudreaux's fav'rit gator, Old Chomp, ate a pelican coated in sludge 'n got so sick he almost died. Them dad-blasted Limeys done gone and poisoned our swamp along with everything else."
So this was not, in hindsight, a good time for County Mayor Clyde Filstrup Junior to open up a new gasoline station near the interstate selling BP brand gasoline, but that is exactly what Clyde did last month.
"Those BP people are hurting for new customers," Clyde told his daddy Doc Clyde Filstrup Sr. "They offered me a two-cent discount on each gallon of gas if I'd sign a contract with them."
"Boy, that two cents won't make much difference if nobody buys your gas.You should stick to the mortuary business," Doc observed, and to his wife Thelma he added, "I still say they got him mixed up at the hospital. Clyde Junior can't be related to us."
Well, most tourists being what they are, totally oblivious to political issues, Clyde's BP gas was selling just as well as all the other brands there at Exit 27A. He told his manager, Corky Perkins, "I hope BP doesn't get that leak plugged for another year. I'm making twice as much on my gas sales as my competitors thanks to this discount."
Then old Justine drove past Clyde's station, shortly after returning from his visit to Three Hole Swamp, and saw that brand new BP sign looming above the gas pumps. The old man didn't say a word. He just pulled up, walked into the station and conked Corky Perkins over the head with the first hard object he spotted, which happened to be a plastic display case filled with state lottery tickets.
With Corky laid out cold on the floor, Justine proceeded to turn on all of the automated gas pumps. He then drew signs on the bottoms of several cardboard beer flats reading "Free Gas Complements of yore friends BP" and hung them on all the pumps.
In no time at all, the line at "Clyde's Interstate BP, Fireworks World & Lottery Headquarters" stretched two miles in both directions. About this time, Clyde exited the interstate, having just retrieved the remains of a dearly departed client from the funeral home over in Burrville.
"I'm rich! I can retire to a condo in Sandestin," Clyde thought, then corrected himself. "Well, maybe not Sandestin. Maybe I'll buy a condo at Myrtle Beach." Then he saw the "Free Gas" signs.
To make a long story short, Clyde quickly untied Corky Perkins and shut off the gas pumps, which enraged the two-mile line of local motorists who had been sitting in line, thinking Clyde was giving out free gas as a grand opening promotion. It made little difference, since his underground tanks were nearly empty. There was nothing left for him to do but close the station down until another delivery truck could bring more gas later in the week.
When Clyde couldn't come up with enough cash to pay for the 60,000 gallons of gasoline that he had "sold," his pumps remained shut down.As fate would have it, the next morning the Dead Rat Tavern sold a $10,000 lottery ticket to Fluvia Pinetar and all of Clyde's lottery customers flocked across the street as well.
"Sheriff, I'm swearing out a warrant for Justine Haig for grand theft, vandalism and breaking and entering. I want you to go up to Haig Hollow and arrest him," Clyde told Sheriff Hiram Potts.
"OK, Mayor, just as soon as I can get the Governor to send the National Guard," Hiram replied with a grin. "You know I don't have enough firepower to invade Haig Hollow."
"Justice must be served!" Clyde stammered. "How do you intend to deal with this?"
"First, I think we might add assault and battery to that list of charges. You sorta forgot about poor Corky, didn't you?"
"Oh, yes. My man was seriously injured. That Justine Haig is a menace and must be locked up."
The Sheriff finally offered to let Clyde lead a posse of deputies into Haig Hollow, which convinced Clyde to go home and let Hiram handle things. Hiram then called Elijah Haig and explained the situation.
"Elijah, Justine has to come in. He laid poor Corky Perkins'head open. It took twelve stitches to patch the boy up and I've got to charge him with assault."
"What about Clyde Filstrup's gas?" the elder Haig asked.
"We'll let the civil courts sort that out. If Clyde wants to sue, he can," Hiram added. "I can't charge Justine with theft 'cause he didn't take anything. I could charge over 400 motorists with theft, but they all thought Clyde was giving the gas away."
And so Elijah convinced his cousin to surrender peacefully. Justine pleaded guilty to assault and battery but Elijah Haig paid all of Corky Perkins' medical bills and sent his pappy, Pothole Perkins, three gallons of Haig "spring run" moonshine as a token of apology from the clan. At Pothole's request, Judge "Hard Time" Harwell sentenced Justine to time served plus 30 hours of community service.
Elijah then visited Clyde Junior at his office in the Fuller & Filstrup Mortuary.
"I'll pay you for that gas, Clyde.You don't have to sue poor Justine. Besides, he don't have a plugged nickel."
"You'll pay for all 60,000 gallons? The retail price?"
"Nope. I'll pay what the gas cost you."
"What about all my lost business? Those customers bought more than gas."
"Yore business was about to dry up anyway. The Dead Rat Tavern took all yore lottery customers and us Haigs were planning a boycott of your BP station before Justine went a little crazy."
"I still deserve something for all my pain and suffering."
"Clyde, you got two more years as County Mayor before the next election. What do you reckon your chances are of getting re-elected if all of my family takes the time to register and vote?"
"I see your point. OK, Elijah, I'll settle for enough to pay my gas bill."
"You gonna open that station back up?"
"Yep. Filstrup's Interstate Peerless Gas, FireworksWorld & Lottery Headquarters will have a grand opening next month. Some Plasti-Line boys are coming all the way from Knoxville to take down the BP sign this afternoon. I want it gone before Justine is released from jail."
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