Things Men Just Don’t Say

  • Let’s watch Lifetime.
  • Sex is overrated.
  • I don’t want to go too far on the first date.
  • Yes, your sister is way better looking than you.
  • Let’s invite your mother for a long visit.
  • Dessert goes right to my hips.
  • I hate when I miss Oprah.
  • Does this suit make me look fat?
  • I’ll never get tired of listening to Lady Gaga.


A Meal to Die For

There were three men working on the top of a cliff. One man said, “If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I’ll jump off this cliff.”

The second man said, “If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I’ll jump off the cliff.”

The third man said, “If I have turkey tomorrow, I’ll jump off the cliff.”

The next day, the first man had cheese, the second man had jam, and the third man had turkey. So they all jumped.

At the funerals, the wives of the first two men said, “Why didn’t they just tell us they didn’t like their sandwiches?”

The third wife said, “I don’t know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches.”


Coffee Vs. Your Girlfriend

  • A cup of coffee always looks good in the morning.
  • You won’t fall asleep after having a cup of coffee.
  • You won’t get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m.
  • You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
  • You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long.
  • No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
  • Coffee doesn’t talk during the game.
  • Most coffee is pretty dang hot, unless you request it otherwise.
  • Coffee you don’t like anymore is easier to get rid of.
  • Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.
  • When coffee gets cold, you can throw it out.