My Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised or pleased, darling!

With truly the deepest love, 


December 15, 2013

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I’m delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love, Your Agnes

December 16, 2013

Dearest Dave,

You’ve truly been too kind! I must protest; I don’t deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised—what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love, Agnes 

December 17, 2013

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don’t you think that enough is enough? You are being a little too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes 

December 18, 2013

Dearest darling Dave,

It was such a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet, oh, how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful, valuable gift!

All my love, Agnes

December 19, 2013

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are NOT paper-trained, where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop, dear.

Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 2013


What is with you and those stupid birds? Seven swans a-swimming! What kind of sick joke is this? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don’t get any sleep! I’m a nervous wreck! It’s not funny, you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 2013

OK, wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that’s not bad enough, they had to bring their cows! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can’t move in my own house! Just lay off me or you’ll be sorry!


December 22, 2013

Hey, loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I’m going out of my mind!

You’ll get yours! Agnes

December 23, 2013

You rotten scum!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that; they’re dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers, upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can’t sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn’t be condemned! I can’t even think of a reason! You creep! I’m sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2013

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What’s with the eleven lords-a-leaping? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied–you rotten, vicious, worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

December 25, 2013

The Law Offices of

Badger, Rees, and Yorker

20 Knave Street

New York, New York

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to arrest you on sight.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find a restraining order.

Cordially, Badger, Rees, and Yorker