Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you might actually be able to keep! Enjoy!  

10. Read less. 

9. I want to gain weight. Resolve to put on at least 30 more pounds by Memorial Day. 

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 

7. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff. 

6. Procrastinate more. 

5. Drink. Drink some more. 

4. Start being superstitious. 

3. Spend more time at work. 

2. Stop bringing lunch from home; I should help the economy and eat out more. 

1. Take up a new bad habit– like smoking?


Early Morning Lecture

On New Year’s morning, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the parking lot and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.

“I’m on my way to

 a lecture,” answered Roger. 

“And who in the world, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Day?” inquired the constable, sarcastically. 

“My wife, occifer!” slurred Roger.


On the Fence, Off the Record

A US Senator was asked about his attitude toward alcohol.

“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year’s toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public charities to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.”