Sam Venable 

Department of Irony

What a boring life I’ve led! All these years, I thought giving a man underwear for Christmas was unimaginative at best, crude at worst. You know, like gift wrapping a frying pan for the missus and zit medicine for your kids.

Perhaps that’s because I’ve always worn the same-old, same-old white briefs.

Little did I know there’s a wild world of skivvies available for Yuletide gifting. Thankfully, I have colleagues and friends who wish to broaden my sartorial horizons with “unmentionable” suggestions.

First up for your consideration are bacon-scented undies. News Sentinel food writer Mary Constantine called them to my attention.

According to an accompanying news release by the manufacturer, J&D Foods, this product “represents the gold standard of meat-scented luxury undergarments. Each pair is handcrafted in the USA to offer the support of briefs, the freedom of boxers, and the smell of breakfast cooking in your pants.”

When I read that line, the first thought flashing through my mind was, “Whoa! Stinky drawers are a no-no up, period. But anybody who has bacon cooking in his pants has a more serious problem than odor. Aaaiiieee! His privates are turning crispy!”

Apparently not. The company claims it uses “scent-emission technology stolen from NASA” to embed the aroma of bacon into the fabric. Further, it says the scent will remain through repeated washings for up to six months or even a year. 

In addition, it advises potential wearers to avoid “dogs with razor-sharp teeth” and “hiking in the woods where bears are known to roam.” Consider yourself warned.

The second product comes via my longtime friend, Knoxville travel writer Katy Koontz. For lack of a better term, it’s “non-underwear underwear.”

Its name is “Birddogs — the Yoga Pants for Men.” I kid you not.

“Why should women be the only ones who get to revel in the joys and solace of such wonders?” said a company info sheet. “We have concocted a pair of gym shorts that free men from the tyranny of underwear. Birddogs are made with a silky-soft liner that gives just a hint of support, only during times when you need it. All the support of underwear, without the discomfort.”

Translation: These things are supposed to be worn commando.

Hoo-boy. I’ve never viewed underwear as a tyrannical garment. Nor do I wish mine to smell like a slab of bacon. What’s next? Sushi slacks? Hot dog hankies? Hamburger hats?

Y’know, the more I think about it, the more I believe a six-pack of 100-percent cotton, plain white briefs would be perfect for me this Christmas.

Sam Venable is an author, entertainer, and columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at .